And I
thought *these* were bad products:

Well, maybe they are, but as Bachman Turner
Overdrive sang in 1974 "B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet..."

The following is worse. Make that, MUCH worse.
This is because, as poorly conceived as they are, the examples above have at
least some utility. 

Why? If these guys were just selling water, it
would be fine. But they are selling this: "Essentia is at the
forefront of this change bringing the benefits of ionized alkaline water to
mainstream consumers interested in better for you beverages."

The above nonsense is from the Essentia
website. And
it is sold to suckers who shop at Whole Foods. And how could they resist? For a
mere $2.99 you get "Super Hydrating Water with a pH at 9.5 to help
facilitate your healthy, active lifestyle." 
Since your average Whole Foods shopper couldn't
define pH with the entire Library of Congress at his or her disposal, let's
call them pHidiots. You'll see why later.

pH is defined as "the symbol for
the logarithm of the reciprocal of hydrogen ion concentration in gram atoms per
liter." Told ya.

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that,
of the above definition, the following words will actually be understandable:
"The," "for," "of," and "in."

So, let's make it a little easier. What pH is,
is a measure of how acidic or basic a solution is. The scale runs from 0 (very
acidic- will dissolve your face) to 14- very basic- will also dissolve your
face. A pH of 7.0 is neutral; it is neither acidic or basic. Tap water
typically is in the 7-8 range. So, is 9.5 better or worse than 7? Let's look at
a table of the pH of some common solutions.