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THE STORY OF SARA- OR A REFLECTION ON OURSELVES
Ayad Gharbawi
CHAPTER
2: UNIVERSITY
Well, I did study and, I did pass my exams, and I did
succeed in ending up in a decent, upper class school!
How did I pay for it? I hear you ask me?
I didn't: I got a scholarship!
And, what a new world I faced!
What a totally different society I saw!
I felt that I was in another country, for I
never knew that there existed, from my own people, men and women such as those
I encountered!
My studies in psychiatry really excited me: I thought
that I would be able to 'solve' anyone's mental problems.
All I had to do, was to study and study as
feverishly as I could.
Studying furiously, and with love and passion,
was the key to success.
Study, and then you pass your examinations,
and then you become a doctor in psychiatry - and I would thereby become successful.
I would then be someone important.
I would be respected by everyone.
My life would have a purpose
and a meaning because I would be going in the correct path.
It was simple as that!
And what was the alternative?
Not to study?
And what would I do then?
Go do a menial, low paying job?
That was anathema to me!
It made me sick, to even think about that!
Why?
Because, I came from a poor background, and I
lived in poverty, and I saw the culture and the people who lived in poverty,
and by God, I don’t want to ever live in those circumstances ever again in my
life.
What was poverty to me?
Your house is ugly; your neighbourhood is
ugly; your neighbours are the most indecent people you can imagine.
The area you live in, swarms with people who
live their lives in ‘anti-social behaviour’!
And what’s ‘anti-social behaviour’?
That means your community is one, where most
people are drunks in public, where
fights, with guns and knives, are an everyday occurrence; where the most filthy
language is the norm in public; where rubbish covers large parts of the town;
where vandalism and damage to cars and property is another daily occurrence;
where people play ear-deafening music in the streets and there’s nothing you
can do – because, if you call the police, they’ll obey, but then they’ll come
back and make hell out of your life – in other words, the gangs rule the
community.
Aren’t those enough reasons to get out of
poverty?!
And, then for me, there are other things that
are really important to me.
For example:
I mean, who is going to respect you, if you have a menial
job? Who is going to look up at you?
Who is
going to listen to your words, when you speak?
And, most importantly, are you yourself going
to be happy with your self and with your life, if you had a menial job?
Of course not!
To be a fully satisfied human, you need to
live in respectable surroundings with a respectable job.
Otherwise, there cannot be happiness for you.
Once I joined my university, I encountered mostly upper
class students.
That’s why, I say it was like ‘another world’
for me, because I had never encountered people like that before!
Their dress was different; their accent and
they way they spoke was different; but what interested me the most, was the
fact, that their intellectual interests were extremely varied, as opposed to
the people that I had grown up with and knew – those people whose only
interests, were getting drunk, practicing promiscuity, crime and drugs!
Now outside classes, I got began to get involved
with different groups of academic students – each group held differing ideas
about the world, politics, economics, philosophy of life - and any other
subject you can imagine.
I was never interested in what I called the other
'superficial'
groups;
that is, those who discussed what I considered to be the stupidities of life,
such as fashion, make up, cars, sports and so on. No way; not for me, were
people like that!
For I was far too serious for such mind-wasting
people, and, frankly life-wasting people.
No, I wanted to learn; my God how utterly hungry and thirsty and
deadly serious about acquiring more and more knowledge on every 'serious'
subject I was - so that, one day, I would be a useful and productive human to
society!
If I was not in my classes, and if I was not
listening to those intellectuals, I would sit on any desk and search the
internet and read endlessly, on any and every 'serious' subject.
With respect to my classes,
as the months rolled over, I began to feel, and think, that my professors were not all that
smart at all.
I began to feel that they were, in fact, quite ordinary, dull people. But then,
I grappled with next obvious question: if they were 'ordinary' and 'dull'
people, then how come they were professors – and by 'professors', I mean that they must
be far from 'ordinary'? Surely, any person, who is able to be a professor, must
be intelligent?
And yet, the more I listened and took down
notes from these professors, and the more I analyzed their words and ideas, the
more I became convinced at their emptiness and stupidity!
My God, you must believe me, for they
were talking utter rubbish!
Well, who exactly, 'made' them professors?
I began to dislike them.
Then, the obvious consequences took place in
my mind: the more I disliked them, the less I paid attention to their words and
that, in turn, increased my boredom in class!
No, this was a complete and utter waste of
time for me. Yes, I would still need to read the text books given to us by the
university, and I would need to understand these books in order to pass the
examinations.
But, I was also determined to do my own independent psychiatry
studies, in order to find the ways and means of solving people's emotional
problems.
I found it really thrilling
to see so many students having so many ideas about the world, because, for me
it was so utterly unusual to see young people actually caring about so many
issues in our lives!
You had the conservatives; socialists; Dadaists,
existentialists, communists of every shade you can imagine; fascists, socialists,
liberals, Nazis, monarchists, Hare Krishnas, Hindus, Budhists, yoga-followers,
animal rights campaigners, environmentalists, religious fundamentalists, anarchists - the list was quite endless to the point of
absurdity
for, within each group, there were sub-groups, that ranged from the so-called
'left' to the so-called 'right'.
However, in all this confusion and chaos,
there were, at least two things, that you knew for certain: and that was,
firstly; that no group agreed with any other group, whilst secondly; every
'leader' of any group sincerely and passionately believed that, yes they,
and only they, had all the answers to all the questions that faced our dear
Humanity!
But with time, it dawned on
me that that most of these intellectual students were not quite what I expected
of them.
They would passionately
discuss any subject and in excruciating detail!
To me not every subject was worthy of being
discussed!
Everything was criticized in university.
Everything was questionable.
Nothing was certain.
On the opposite these students believed that they
had a duty to deeply philosophise and intricately analyse and scrutinize from
every angle every subject and issue in our planet!
Nothing was accepted and nothing was taken
for granted.
And it was exhausting to listen to them!
I say ‘exhausting’ because after every
meeting, I would actually feel emptier!
I simply did not learn or gain anything from
all these endless discussions!
So they would analyse issues like: what is
the soul?
What is the difference between the soul and
the spirit?
Where is the soul located?
Where is the mind located?
What is the difference between bravery and
foolishness?
Are mathematical facts like 1+1=2 discovered
or created by mathematicians?
What does the word ‘the’ mean?
What does the word ‘a’ mean?
Who has a right to create rules and laws?
How much taxes should each adult pay?
Is the universe finite or infinite?
And so it went on and on until your brain
became numb with the deafening boredom and pointlessness of it all.
What irritated me the most was that with
these groups of students, was that nothing was sacred.
Nothing was certain.
On the opposite, everything was completely
uncertain.
As for myself, I gradually gravitated to
the leftists – that mixture of socialists, communists, anarchists and other
such-like groups.
Why?
Because to me their philosophy was more or
less simple.
There wasn’t all that endless series of
critiques and analysis that so nearly damaged my brains!
Their idea was simple: we had to removed the
oppressors.
And the oppressors was anyone who had power
and influence.
And what kind of society did we want?
A purely egalitarian one where there would be
neither master nor slave.
Simple!
Here I found that much needed sense of
certainty!
Here was an ideal, a philosophy that had
strict rules that we were meant to follow in order to achieve our sacred aims!
I was immediately attracted to one student
leader, Tony, who passionately urged his listeners to use any
means necessary – except violence –in order to achieve our goals of total
equality within our society.
He was a tall man of average weight, with
short hair – actually, let me immediately stop myself here - because actually there
was absolutely and totally nothing remarkable about the way he looked; but what
really made him so attractive was in his personal charm, and the way he spoke,
with such a theatrical ability, that made you unable to move as long as he
talked.
I can still see him, as he gracefully
gesticulated in such an animated manner, giving further power and reason, to
every word and idea he uttered:
"Can't you see and feel what is going all around
you? My friends, listen to my words, because we are living in a society that is
dominated by greed and ultimately misery and death on an everyday scale. Why is
the dustman paid any less than a doctor? Aren't we all human beings, born free
and equal? And, so, if you, my friends, agree with me that all men, women and
children, are equal, then it should make obvious sense to you that we should
all live equally. Do you feel what I am saying to your hearts, or not?!"
he would thunder at us, with his face contorting from the passion, and with his ability to
be so majestic and, yet, so utterly humble at the same moment!
Yes, I began to think more and more about
what Tony had to say. Why was
there poverty in the first place?
Where was Humanity?
Indeed, aren't we all equal human beings; so
why this discrimination? It seemed so sensible to me; and yet, what was I, Sara
the Nobody, doing about this problem?
Nothing, of course.
Yes, I was just a student – but I was not
actively working against the dark forces, as Tony was always talking about.
Tony would mesmerize his listeners, which
were usually held in the evenings, at around eight o'clock.
He always managed to talk to you directly – or so it felt, despite
the large number of listeners.
"There are people who make millions in
minutes – did you people know that? While most people in our society
struggle and sweat not only tears, but, I tell you, they sweat blood – yes
blood" he would scream at this point, "day in and day out, and
getting paid next to nothing, you also have a minority who make millions in
minutes! How can you, yes you, tell me that that is fair?
Why do you, my
listeners, why do you lamely accept, that we live in a society that
allows conditions, whereby the majority, and I say the vast majority of human beings,
men and women, have to bleed to death just, to pay their never ending bills,
while a minority lead an easy life overflowing with money, glamour, power and
luxuries that are indescribable? I ask you again and again to answer my questions: is
that fair? And if it is not fair, then what should be done about this sick
situation? Well, clearly, we must use violence to take our rights, because no
democracy will allow our party to succeed in any election and obviously the
rich will never voluntarily give up their oceans of wealth; therefore, if you
ask me, what is to be done, I firmly tell you as my response, that we must
fight for our eternal rights, and by using the verb 'fight', I mean we 'fight'
with every weapon at our disposal – be they words or bullets!"
I was simply exhilarated by his symphony of
words!
And yet, I couldn’t help but feel that there
was something ‘missing’ in Tony’s personality.
He just didn’t have that supreme self assurance
that others had.
I guess that was what was ‘missing’.
I couldn’t understand why he did have that
degree of insecurity – because, it seemed to be a contradiction when you are
living your life for an ideal, and at the same time, you have insecurities
within your heart!
It was also at university, that I first met Sanji.
He was a tall, dark wavy haired man with a
dark complexion. His beautifully oval eyes
had a deeply pensive look, and at the same time, they were always somehow mired
within a sorrowful gaze.
Even when he would talk to you, Sanji's eyes
seemed to be far away, deep in thought, about God knows what subject!
Gracing his eyes, were beautifully arched
eyebrows and the longest, thickest eyelashes I have ever seen, that beautifully
complimented those seemingly lonely eyebrows in perfect harmony.
He was a quiet, soft spoken gentleman, who
was the most polite and sincere man I had ever met – I would forever ask
myself, how can this man, be so gentle and compassionate, and without seeming
to get distressed, angry or anxious?!
He had such a depth of serenity in his
personality – and that trait was something that made so utterly envious of him;
I was constantly wishing and trying to have a millionth of that serenity of
his.
He was utterly sure of himself – and not in
any arrogant way. He was completely happy and secure with the ideas and
principles which guided him throughout his life.
He had a complete knowledge as to what the
purpose of his life was. As a result he knew exactly where he was going with
his life.
There was no sense of being lost with Sanji;
for he knew the endless, twisted, meandering number of Paths of Life ahead of
him - and more importantly he knew which path he wanted to tread on in his
life’s journey.
He would never use foul language; and would
always listen to you with interest as you talked – which is rare in our world.
And he had that most beautiful ability and
talent to be so extra careful in choosing his words when he spoke, for he always wanted to
get his thoughts and ideas properly across to you, so that people would
understand him well, and so that there would be no confusion as to what he
stood for.
That's why he was so pensive and why he spoke
so deliberately; there was never any impulsiveness on his part; he intended
exactly every word, and exactly every phrase, and every sentence he used; there
never was any carelessness on his part when he would interact with you.
I never met a man who was so wholly and
totally considerate for the feelings of others.
And, of course, my utter and complete
admiration, respect and awe for this gentle soul increased over the years, as I
couldn't but love his sheer intelligence.
You felt somehow utterly ‘safe’ with Sanji; do you
know why?
Because you felt that this beautiful human
was so protective of you, and because he was so utterly emotionally secure,
steady and strong so that as long as you remained with him, you would never be
lost.
Of course, we were totally opposites; whereas he was pensive and
thoughtful, I was impulsive, reckless and emotional.
Whereas he never allowed the situation he was in to
take control over him, I would willingly and enthusiastically allow myself to
be overwhelmed by a situation, if it suited my emotional needs.
"Sara, don't you realize that all these
so-called student 'intellectuals’ are nothing more than buffoons? No, wait, let
me change my language here. I'm wrong to say that these so-called intellectuals
'intellectuals are nothing more than buffoons'. I'm sorry; first of all, they
are not ‘intellectuals’. They are completely idiotic. Secondly, they are not
‘mere buffoons’, because they are in fact far more threatening than mere
buffoons. And so, my question is, don't you realize that these students are actually
dangerous people, who are hurting innocent people out there, thanks to their
riots and disturbances?"
Sanji would always ask me questions like these,
because he was really concerned at my deepening involvement with the militant
student circles.
"Sanji you know how much I respect you,
and how much you mean to me. But, in these days of ours, action is needed
against the evil rulers out there. And there's no point in just studying and
doing nothing about the challenges that face us."
"What 'challenges' are you talking
about? And who are all those 'evil rulers' you talk about? Can you seriously
tell me that every man and woman who happens to be rich must necessarily be
'evil'?"
"Yes," I replied immediately, without
thinking.
"Sara, you are simply wrong. You are morally wrong. You don't have the
'right', nor do any of these militant students have any 'right', to harm a
person, simply because he's rich. That is not only absurd, stupid and
ridiculous in the intellectual sense, it is also absolutely immoral."
"What do you mean by 'morality'?" I asked Sanji.
"Is killing the innocent, 'morally'
right or wrong?"
"It's wrong, of course," I replied.
"Well, there's the definition of what
morality is."
I didn’t like the fact that Sanji was being
too simplistic with me.
"And so, too, then, it is moral for us
to remove the rich," I deliberately used the phrase 'removing the rich',
and thereby avoiding words, like exterminate, because, I knew, Sanji really found such strong
language to be offensive!
"But you still haven't answered my
question: is every person who is rich evil?"
He was right; I was avoiding that difficult
question.
Actually, it was more than difficult, since I
didn't have any answer.
"Furthermore, I have another question:
what if a rich person is working for a company that is doing no harm to people.
Would you still categorize that person as evil?"
"Yes, I would," I replied.
I was just answering what leaders like Tony
would expect me to say.
But, the truth is, I had no answers.
"Are you serious, Sara?" exclaimed
Sanji.
"We are facing a war against those who
seek to exploit us to death," I said, employing another phrase I had
learned from the party.
"You keep talking about a 'war'; what
'war' for God's sake? I don't see any war out there?"
"Sanji, we are in a struggle against the
Pigs. What do you call that struggle? A picnic?"
"Sara, I don't know how you choose your
words. It seems to me you just use any word and any phrase that suits your
present emotional needs; but you don't actually think enough of what it is you
are actually talking about," said Sanji.
Actually, he was absolutely right.
I wondered, did he actually see through my
use of phrases and sentences that I simply produced, without thinking about them?
"There's no 'war' out there!” Sanji
would always tell me, “there's just a bunch of harmful students, and young
people, who are causing disturbances and riots, and the police are there to
stop you people from creating any more havoc. If that's the definition of a
'war' or a 'struggle', then your words certainly have different meanings to my
words."
I didn't know what to say.
I knew that if I allowed my enthusiasm to
open my mouth, I would be just repeating the same phrases and slogans, and I
respected Sanji far too much to do that to him.
"You know what Sara?" asked Sanji.
"I think you're deluding yourself. Not only you, but a lot of young, impressionable
people in our generation, are really deluding themselves when it comes to this
age old problem."
"What problem?" I said, the words
just coming out of my mouth, before I had the time to think of Sanji's words
about us deluding ourselves.
"Well the age old problem of the rich and
poor. How
do we lessen the exploitation of the poor by the rich? How far should society
go in reducing the power of the rich? Is poverty natural or should we strive to
abolish it? Does the fact that the rich classes exist mean that we have an
abnormal or normal situation? You know, not one leader, and not one country,
throughout our human history, have been able to solve that problem, and I
suspect, this problem will be with us for a long time to come. One thing I can
say for sure, and that is what you people are doing, isn't harming the rich in
any way. You people think and believe that you are harming, or even destroying
the rich, but the truth is, you are nothing more than a nuisance to the
rich."
"Sanji, how can you say that? Our
country is undergoing a revolution! Our country is undergoing convulsions,
thanks to our ceaseless struggle!"
I was just saying more slogans and borrowed
phrases.
“Sara, I hope my words will reach the
rational part of your heart. You are following an immoral movement and I
realize that can’t convince you that that these people are criminals. But
remember my words – you are following false idols and soon, some day, some
year, you will get badly hurt by these same idols you believe in. You will be
badly hurt and damaged by them precisely because these leaders you follow are
themselves seriously harmful and not helpful. They are exactly like drugs. At
first, you feel the joy, the exhilaration – and then your body and mind begin
to deteriorate and rot away from the effects of the same drugs. The same sad process happens when you become a
slave to false gods!”
Sanji simply sighed, as if saying to me, that
I was 'useless'.
I couldn't help but smile, feeling somehow I
actually 'won' the argument!
He looked at me with pity.
Actually, it was more with sorrow.
So, yes, we went on marches, demonstrations
and we would deliberately provoke the police and fighting would ensue. Next, we
would be sent to jail, because, obviously the police would overwhelm us with
their firepower, to await trial and soon the judges gave us light sentences of
a few days in prison, and we soon left prison, and this routine would go on and
on.
And we would be so excited, because the media
would report our activities on television and in the newspapers; we would be
interviewed by the mass media – at first it was, for me, so thrilling, because I really believed that what we
were doing was going to change our country and our society into a totally
egalitarian one.
And we would go on and on with these
activities.
And, then, I inevitably found myself thinking
about my life and what I was doing.
It was always that annoying and nagging
question: what was I doing with my life?
Was I going in the right direction?
Were we doing the right thing?
Impulsive as I was, I couldn't
bother to reason with myself on these disturbing questions, and I went straight to Tony
to get much needed answers from him.
"Do you have doubts about our cause,
Sara?" Tony asked point blank.
"No, not about the validity of our noble
cause, but I am finding myself worried if our actions are the correct
way." I replied.
"What do you mean by the 'correct
way'"? He would stare right through my eyes at this point and I found it
making me insecure.
"Well, I mean, what positive results do
you see coming out from all of our activities Tony? What changes have we made? What –"
"Look and listen", he interrupted
me; "I understand that you are still young and inexperienced on the
battlefield. That's normal my Sara".
I felt so much more confident when he used
the word 'my' Sara. He continued: "Soldiers who have experience aren't the
same as soldiers who don't have experience. Am I correct, Sara?"
"That is certainly true," I replied
immediately.
"So, you must be patient, little one.
Success does not come overnight, does it? The struggle – any struggle – takes
years to achieve, my dear girl." He said as he began to raise his baritone
voice.
"So, today a battle here, and tomorrow a
battle there, and soon, from the acres of debris, rubble, wreckage, bloodshed
of the war, you will slowly see what true victory will look like! Yes, our
victory will be assured only through persistence and by blind, fanatical
devotion to the cause, Sara, and not by doubt!"
Yes, I was, once again, completely
convinced
by Tony and his ideas.
Silly Sara, how could I doubt the wisdom of these veteran
soldiers, who've been fighting for years in order to secure victory for the
masses! What a stupid fool I was and may God curse me!
Soon, I graduated with my psychiatry degree
as a licensed doctor – not that I believed any of what psychiatry books had
to say!
How strange for anyone to study a degree they
don't actually believe it to be true!
In these intervening years, I continued to
explore the intellectual circles of my university days.
I found so many subjects not only
interesting, but I also could not resist going with an unrestricted
passion for
all of their work and activities – legal or illegal.
Take animal welfare.
Why were rich farmers killing animals so that
people can simply eat them, when we humans can go vegetarian?
I felt so thrilled by this completely novel
idea – I simply had never thought of it, and so when I first heard I was
shocked and thrilled at the same time to hear how beautifully true it all was:
vegetarianism was necessary for us humans, while at the same time, we must
punish those mass killers of animals!
And that's when I joined another party,
called the 'Animal Liberation Front'.
I immediately plunged into their activities: we
would endlessly harass farmers; go into supermarkets and smash all the corners
that sold animal food; we would throw poison on farm land; release, or
'liberate' animals that were imprisoned by farmers. The latter was my real
favourite, because I really could feel the utter thrill and pleasure of
releasing all those inmates condemned to death; inmates – yes, they just
happened to be animals, but what difference was there between us and animals?
Don't they have the simplest right, and that is the 'right to exist'?
Next we would go into restaurants that served
animal food, and we would make the most terrible scenes by howling and
screaming at all the criminals who were eating animal flesh.
"What's the difference between you and
cannibals? You're all cannibals!" We would scream at the frightened
people; soon the managers and the waiters of the restaurants would call the
police, and, yet again, we would simply wait for the latter to put us back in
jail.
Yes, I was so proud to say that jail for me
was my second home! My first home, I felt, were the streets, for it was only on
the streets that I could make changes to my world.
You can't make changes from your come, can
you?
Of course, not!
No use in just reading books and then not
take physical action – how stupid and pointless that would be!
Oh how everyone loved me – because I was so
utterly dedicated, determined to pursue every action right to its end!
Every day, every waking hour, I would be with
some group, planning, organizing and executing a disturbance that would soon be
echoed by our mass media.
And that's how you awaken the masses, who,
then turn against the oppressors, and once the oppressors are eliminated, you
have the perfect society!
Humanity will come some day - and it shall be
us soldiers of the great movement who will hand it over to the toiling masses!
