This comment by Andy was too good not to repost.

Generic press release for genome sequencing

Scientists map genome of (insert name).

A team of researchers from (insert university/institute/lockup garage) has completed mapping the genome of (animal/plant/squashy deep-sea thing).

"We were amazed how (strike one) similar/dissimilar it is to the human genome," said (insert name of lead scientist/grad student/custodian who happened to answer the phone).

The discovery should help scientists (strike all but one) cure cancer/end world hunger/prevent hair loss).